Vicarious Victor

The Parent-Player Relationship

By Naimah Jabali-Nash / Photos by Ryan Kobane

Sports psychologist, Dr. Bob Rotella’s most notable book is titled, “Golf is Not a Game of Perfect.” So why do many parents expect perfection from their sons or daughters? Golfers Michelle Wie, Ty Tyron and Morgan Pressel have all accomplished monumental feats at a young age. Often it is these young phenoms that prompt parents to want their child to be the next big thing.

In 2007 the National Golf Foundation’s annual participation survey, documented 29.5 million golfers ages six and older in the U.S. Since Tiger Woods turned professional in 1997, there has been significant growth in junior golf programs nationwide. Woods inspired a different breed of golfers. Young juniors who are hungry for their spot on Tour and big endorsement deals. According to acclaimed golf journalist, Kevin Cook’s latest text, Driven: “In 1995…the PGA Tour’s total purse was $63 million. Ten years later it was $250 million.”

Woods brings an excitement and sense of thrill to the game of golf that woos this generation. He has transformed the sport from one that was exclusively for privileged middle-aged white males, to an international sport that involves children from various backgrounds. Now, more than ever, golf is cool.   

The American Junior Golf Association and the International Junior Golf Tour harbor some of the best emerging golf talents from around the world. The AJGA was established in 1978 and held its first national tournament at the Inverrary Country Club in Lauderhill, FL. With 81 tournaments in 2007 alone, the AJGA is quickly “Developing Golf’s Next Generation.” Its alumni include tour professionals Phil Mickelson, Lorena Ochoa, David Toms, Davis Love III and Paula Creamer. 
However, young golfers can not rely solely on prestigious junior tours for national ranking or idols to emulate. Parents play a vital role in the developmental stages of their young golfer’s future. The parent-player relationship is integral to advance these aspiring junior golfer’s professional ambitions. There is no single way to help guide your young golfer’s dreams. The tumultuous road to success is long. A strong and healthy parent-player relationship can help to navigate when it seems that all is lost.   

 During the 2007 academic year at The David Leadbetter Academy, Kevin Cook criticized what he calls the “professionalization of youth.” Cook said, “Leadbetter is concerned about how many burn-out cases we’re going to have among young golfers who don’t really enjoy the game and do it because their parents are pressuring them.”

In 2001 golf prodigy Ty Tyron, shocked the sports world when he decided to join the PGA Tour at the ripe age of 17. Critics questioned the rookie’s ability to compete with the world’s most elite players on golf’s biggest stage. His family, however, was unequivocally convinced that this move was essential for Tryon’s career. He made one cut his first year on Tour, which would have sent him packing, but due to a bout with mononucleosis the Tour extended Tryon’s stay. Two years later his short ride on Tour came to a screeching halt. He finished 195th on the money list and his playing card was revoked. Tryon will not only be remembered as a golf prodigy with immense talent, but he will serve as an example of one of golf’s most catastrophic burn-out cases. Was Tyron the causality of an unwise family decision? 

“You expect your teen years to be a time where you’re finding yourself; you haven’t already decided on your career path,” Cook said. “It was surprising to be down there [The David Leadbetter Academy] and look at the beautiful playing fields and the only time anybody played on them was when the adults were organizing practice or competition. You would think the kids would say ‘Let’s go out and just play for fun!’ It doesn’t happen.”

Fun. It’s an idealistic concept. These children are intense, the competition is fierce, and parents do everything in their power to prepare rising stars for the illustrious Tour.

When Earl Woods’, Training A Tiger: A Father’s Guide to Raising a Winner in Both Golf and Life, was released in 1997 it quickly became the blueprint for countless parents. Woods was a teacher and psychologist in his own right. His concept was simple—teach the fundamentals, foster an open relationship with your child and reinforce positive thinking. The outcome: not a bird, not a plane—a Tiger. Today, most parents reference books that emulate the same sentiment of Earl Woods.

“There’s no training program for parents. Sometimes they don’t realize the power and lethality they bring when they start excessively pushing, demanding, and when they get upset when their child does not perform well. Golf then becomes a job for these young golfers, and these children become causalities,” said Jim Loehr, Chairman, CEO and Co-founder of the Human Performance Institute in Orlando, FL. “If parents don’t push, the child is not going to do it. If they push too much, the child will resent it and their learning curve is just not going to be the same. They’ll eventually quit or get hurt.”    

Golf is unlike any other sport in that 95 percent of the time spent playing the game, the player is not striking the ball. There is an excessive amount of dead time—time golfers use to think. Negative thoughts are a golfer’s arch nemesis. These thoughts stem from both internal and external issues, be it self doubt, pressure, or lack of confidence. Parents can prevent heavy clouds from looming in their child’s mind, skewing their vision to prevail against all odds. Today parents invest thousands of dollars in sports psychologists to calm mental storms that threaten their young golfer’s success.

Cook has seen this unfold on the course firsthand, “You’ve got so much time to think in between shots and rounds. It’s not just reacting to a ball. It’s such a mental game. You have plenty of time to think, ‘Is my dad going to be mad if I miss this putt?’ ‘Are my folks going to keep paying for me to come here if I don’t play well this time?’ Some people respond very well to pressure and it toughens them up. I think in most cases parents really need to be positive and supportive and that’s the best way to get the kids to succeed.” 

Professional golfer, Jenny Suh, attributes her success on the golf course to the love and support of her parents, In and Jung Suh. Born in Alexandria, VA, Suh’s father Jung introduced her to the game at the age of seven. “My father has always been more involved because he knows the most about golf. We still play together every weekend I come home,” she said. Her natural talent paired with a well-structured foundation quickly served as the driving force in Suh’s career.
The five-time Virginia State Girl’s Champion attended Furman University for two years and was crowned the Southern Conference Freshman of the Year in 2003. Suh transferred to The University of Alabama her junior year to challenge herself athletically and academically. “Transferring to Alabama was my own decision. I’m lucky enough that I have a really good relationship with my parents and they’re very supportive with golf. When I was younger, I used to think they were giving me pressure, but they were just really pushing me to do my best,” she reflected. In 2005, Suh reached the quarterfinals in the coveted U.S. Women’s Amateur Championship. The following year, the USGA Women’s Committee selected her to participate in the Curtis Cup Match in Bandon, Oregon where her aggressive yet strategic style of play helped the U.S. capture its fifth consecutive victory. Her desire for competition and love for the sport has led Suh through the first round of LPGA Q-School. The LPGA Final Qualifying Tournament is the last obstacle that stands in her way.

 The back nine is not as friendly for some, “I’ve been around golf enough that I’ve seen a lot of parents that thankfully are not mine,” she joked.  “The ones that have made it the farthest and are still the happiest playing golf are the ones whose parents stand on the side and support, not the ones that have it pushed upon them. Sadly enough I’ve seen a lot of girls drop out of golf because they’re tired of the pressure that they get from their parents.”

The responsibility lies with the parent to find a healthy balance of motivation and encouragement. Earl Woods’ goal was to not only make Tiger a great golfer, but more importantly a better person. Honesty, integrity, humility and confidence are all qualities children learn through the game that innately translate to other ventures in life. This coming of age sport challenges the individual to think independently, but in the fundamental learning stages a parent’s presence is imperative. Parents can be a guiding light and dependable safety net, while providing their children with the room to flourish. 

Here is a look at some pertinent Do’s and Dont’s that will help your children to enjoy the game.

Do support your children
Golf is an individual sport. Sometimes the fairway may get lonely, the last thing your child needs to see when she looks towards the cart path is a menacing stare from you. Instead, you need to be the beacon of positivity when the round gets rough. Show her that you know she’s trying and insist that she keep up the good work. When she makes a long putt or hits a drive in the fairway on a difficult tee shot—applaud! The smallest amount of support may be the jolt your daughter needs to finish the round well. 

Don’t live vicariously through your children
This is the number one mistake. Often parents want to see their own goals and/or dreams fulfilled. The vision gets skewed when parents want the child’s dream more than they do. Parent’s main objective should be guidance and support. Try not to push your child excessively if their goals in the sport aren’t necessarily the same as your own. 

Do make this a bonding experience
In golf there are no buzzers to mark the end of a quarter, or a shot clock to count down the remaining seconds of a play. Golf takes time. Five hours on an 18-hole regulation course to be exact. Spend time on the course and the driving range not only instructing, but bonding with their child. You would be surprised at what you can learn. During this time both parents and their children can learn from one another. Talk. Conversation creates memories that both parties can cherish long after the game. 

Don’t put pressure on your children
Pressure comes with the game. Golf is more exhausting mentally than physically. There is ample time between shots to think and rethink. Far too often golfers become victims of over thinking. Additional pressure may stem from expectations, which lead to doubt, negative thoughts and inevitably bad results. Remind your child to play well and most importantly to have fun.